ROSES ARE DEAD...
Every now and again I get the urge to splurge in my own perverse version verse...my poetry is Noetry - or maybe it's Stoetry - a mix of story and poetry? They're not all like that - I guess it's still the story teller in a different guise. I'm not saying I'm good, I'm not saying I'm bad - but I am saying I like to throw words around and together...
I thought if I share them here it might make me do more. I've performed at a couple of venues here n there and if I share 'em on here it might make me get off me lazy ass and do a few more. So - an only slightly better alternative to stickin' needles in your eyes...the following are the first few I have done. I don't care how good or bad they are, I just want to set a little goal for myself, among the many I set there are many I fail to achieve, this one I will not fail at. You can leave a comment on my blog page elsewhere on this site if you like, but no obligation - Feedback is the Breakfast of Champions. Jx
All words and artwork by Joe O'Byrne
Artwork: Joe O'Byrne
THE NIGHT DEATH PUT ME DOWN
It rained blood the night Death put me down
A dark crimson storm raged about the town
And Death danced on my worm filled bed
And singed A Ding Dong, the bastard’s dead
Death’s jaw dropped, saw my headstone crack
And the grave just coughed and spat me back
I sneered at Death who wouldn’t look me in the eye
I said you’ve met yer match son, tonight yer gonna die
I glanced at the moon and he looked the other way
Death was on his knees, dropped his scythe to pray
The Devil held me coat as Death and I went toe to toe
I toyed, ripped and gouged, ‘fore I struck the killer blow
To the Devil I said get yer mates son, I want ‘em all to see
That even Death needs a coffin if he tangles with me
I’m the horror with the hammer and a smile drippin’ red
I said to the Devil yer next, and turned to find he’d fled
I’m dead ‘ard me
It rained blood the night Death put me down
A dark crimson storm raged about the town
And Death danced on my worm filled bed
And singed A Ding Dong, the bastard’s dead
Death’s jaw dropped, saw my headstone crack
And the grave just coughed and spat me back
I sneered at Death who wouldn’t look me in the eye
I said you’ve met yer match son, tonight yer gonna die
I glanced at the moon and he looked the other way
Death was on his knees, dropped his scythe to pray
The Devil held me coat as Death and I went toe to toe
I toyed, ripped and gouged, ‘fore I struck the killer blow
To the Devil I said get yer mates son, I want ‘em all to see
That even Death needs a coffin if he tangles with me
I’m the horror with the hammer and a smile drippin’ red
I said to the Devil yer next, and turned to find he’d fled
I’m dead ‘ard me
Artwork: Joe O'Byrne
AND THE NIGHT SUITS US WELL
When the bell struck the lonely hour
Your soft dry cry raises my head
And I rise as a sun kissed flower
And I leave my splintered bed
‘neath the curious stars, beguiled
The moon hung, jealous, cold and blue
Nights breeze, the distant winds’ child
Carries the damped earth smell of you
On scarecrow legs, arms needing
With grey holed flesh and brittle bone
I bear the greedy worms feeding
Through a garden of grey etched stone
Dusty echoes of long dead memory rise
A summers day, the breeze in your hair
Vows from living hearts; love never dies
Still love, darker now; reborn a lovemare
I gaze into your eyes, wriggling deep
And hear the crack of my parched heart
As your broken voice stirs from its sleep
I hold you like we have never been apart
Baby, I’ve been waiting
And we dance to the ravens dark tune
And the bell tolls darkly, joyously through
Wind gossips to the jealous blue moon
And a whisper, I will never leave you
And how we danced
And the night suits us well
-------------------------
YER NAME'S NOT DOWN...
The Doorman to Hell says I can’t come in
I say my friends are in there, but he’s just not listenin’
I could hear the band; They were dead, but really good
The Doorman coughs, spits and says, better fuck off bud
I say I’m goin’ nowhere, that my name must be down
He doesn’t need to check the list; My name has some renown
He says with a mouth that twists; Don’t try to take a stand
His one good eye winks; The Devil says you're banned
Filth and I went hand in hand; My soul could not be saved
Not even for Hell, too bad for Hell; Too twisted and depraved
The Doorman to Hell turns my blood cold with that one eyed stare
He says try Westminster son, you’re bound to get in there
Artwork: Joe O'Byrne
THE FUTURE’S GOT THE SHUTTERS UP
What time is it? Is The Past still open?
There's gotta be hope in hopin’
Cos The Future’s got the shutters up
And Today is tryin' to shut us up
Three decades of Easily Lead
Have painted my town dead
I’ve lost me mum, can you fetch her?
Try the charity shop or Pound Stretcher
Me best mate’s still got a dad
Says so far the best one he’s had
Gonna be like his brother, he’s no dope
Set up his own little corner, sellin’ hope
I’m stuck here in the Soul Selling Zone
Cos you need a job to get a pay day loan
Lost in a daze, helps pass the days
Fast food and being rude in sad cafes
Come on mum, tell me, Hope’s got to thrive
Smile again and tell me I’ll get out of here alive
It’s OK mum, no need to cry, I’m having a laugh
Come on dress up, we’ll go down the caff
I love it down the shops, the tattooed metal shutters
Push chairs and pitbulls, and Diamond White nutters
Boarded up pubs, from burnt out nights
But mum holds me close, I’ll fight for your rights
My son, The Past is where it should be
The Present is you, and the love you give me
The Future is turning the tele off and taking a stand
You’ll have your Glory Days, your Promised Land
-----------------------
FEMME FATALE
When I heard on the radio that I died today
All my ghosts came along, asked me to stay
Lost in my dream, it seems I slept late
My killer was up before me; it was not Fate
Fate was not guilty as Fate never showed
I just stood waiting for her on that lonely road
My dusty, deepest feelings spilled from my suitcase
The black dog behind me, kept that slow, limping pace
In waking life my heart had stayed chained
The hope of her return always remained
A love that continued in my imagination
Circumstantial evidence for my investigation
A cloud of mystery rained lies on the bed
Seems I’d woken and found myself dead
My Noir was my dream, my Femme Fatale thriller
She’d stayed in the dream; and that was the killer
He’d slipped in with violence
Into a void filled with silence
I would be the only one to know
My soul had struck the fatal blow
------------------------
FOR ALL THE FALLS…
I walk with the beast within my skin
I try to walk ahead of him; he’s ceaselessly within
As I beat my knuckles bloody
As I try to be somebody
Failures worn like crumpled, blood stained suits
From the sweat on my brow, to the shit on my boots
His taunts in cruel echoes
And even the cold wind knows
That mocking voice, always here
He knows my fear, drips whispered poisons in my ear
But every shadow has a light that he’ll despise
For every bloody fall, he knows that I will rise
--------------------
MEMORY LANE
I took a trip down Memory Lane, it was dark, took the skin off my knees
It’s changed a lot since I was here, there’s now eyes among the trees
Branches angrily snap, we’ll give you a slap, the past won’t bring no cheer
You better move it mate, before it’s too late, you’re not from round here
Yesterday grinned, as he clocked up my sins and offered a few dirty years
He said we’re all out of hope, we can sell you a rope to settle those fears
The brittle wind limped through the trees, a stink on his cackling breath
He stared from the trees, a look that would freeze; smelled of cold death
Future lurked up ahead, a monster off his head; madness in shadows lies
Future’s unseen - pick your bones clean; steal hope from your wet eyes
Dance in the dark, Death tangos in the night; a soft touch in the shadows
From out of the past, she saves me at last; and on her smile, the sun rose
---------------------
BLUE ASSED GUY
I’m not one for the Doc’s, I’m pretty healthy you might say
But I’ve been getting this pain, the kind that just won’t go away
It’s uncomfortable, embarrassing and I know you have to ask
So I’m gonna come straight out with it Doc, it’s a pain in the ass
Now let’s not mess about, just give me one of those creams
He said ‘I’m sorry son, I’ve heard a lot of this, it’s not what it seems’
I knew that it was coming, but thought I still might have a chance
Until he uttered the immortal phrase ‘You need to drop your pants’
There is no kind of small talk, banter, or sparkling conversation
That can adequately prepare one for this kind of humiliation
He looked and hummed and sighed, then said ‘Are you working class?’
And solemnly declared ‘There’s a David Cameron hanging out your ass’
Shocked I turned and said ‘How the fuck did that get there?’
Sure enough there David was, with his cold blue dead eyed stare
He said ‘You’ve had it three years, it’s a slow incubation
Highly contagious, it’s affecting most of the poor population’
It drooled at the mouth, I said ‘get it out!’ I was on the verge of tears
He said ‘I can’t son, you’ve got it for at least a couple more years’
He said ‘it’s not just the poor, it’s the NHS, I’m putting on a front’
Tearful eyed, he dropped his trousers, and showed me his Jeremy Hunt
A profoundly political disease, as well as blue there is or yellow or red
Whatever the diagnosis, we believe the lies, we are easily lead
Democracy is a zombie, Truth is a ghost, the nation a haunted mess
I suppose I am lucky it’s Cameronitis, it could have been IDS
-------------------------
GIVE A FUCK DAY
I don’t know why I did it, but I sat down to pray
For a fuck to be given on the street today
It felt a lost cause, for all hope to hell is driven
But the clouds they did part, and lo, a fuck was given
I looked at the man, I didn’t know what to say
Then the police came along, and took the man away
They said ‘You need permission, to give a fuck round here
And without a permit mate, you’re gonna learn to fear’
The Judge said ‘Anything to say, before we throw the book?’
The man said ‘To be honest, I just had to give a fuck’
The prosecution said ‘Your honour, I think that you will find
That many fucks are given by him – and his kind.’
The Judge poked a crooked finger at the man who gave a fuck
‘Your ‘give a fuck’ days are over, you just ran out of luck’
Government wagged a finger, ‘The severest of justice is due!’
Media stirred the pot, tainted the word, poisoned the brew
‘The time has come’ the Judge announced ‘To speak of vile crimes
Such as hope, faith and charity, and giving a fuck in desperate times.
You’ll toe the line from here on in, and you will learn as you atone
I shall see that you are lashed so hard, your ancestors will groan!
‘I’ll carve my name upon your flesh, drive the pride from your eyes
I’ll take the beat from your pumping heart, I’ll see your defiance dies
With God at my side I pass sentence on your filthy, sorry soul
For integrity is expensive; to give a fuck – you will pay a dear toll’
The man said ‘With God on yer side, who can stand against yer?
But God’s not turned up, I think you’ll find for you he’s in Absentia
He’s known to favour the underdog, the man against the odds
The man with his back against the wall; such men cry out to Gods’
‘Take him down’ said the Judge ‘ Remove him from my sight’
The man stood tall whilst taken down; he knew he’d won the fight
Outside thunder rumbled, a sea of haunted faces and skyward looks
Dark skies parted, our man smiled, and it rained a million fucks
--------------------------
THE RED DRESS
The way she wore the Red Dress
The girl struggled but lost control
Hair thrashed, sweat rained, desire restless
It possessed her body, her heart, her soul
The way she worked the Red Dress
Her Voo-Doo had cast its spell
I had to take this Crimson Temptress
Though I knew it would take me to Hell
Intoxicated by the Red Dress
I took her arm, I heard her gasp
The Victim meets the Huntress
Our dance was slow, our hearts beat fast
Her flesh was hot beneath the Red Dress
She wore it like a shimmering, sweating skin
My black heart would know no forgiveness
The hot red night was filled with sin
The fever rose beneath the Red Dress
As she shed that shimmering skin
The fucking drove us both to madness
A dangerous liaison; a fatal happening
On the bed her crumpled Red Dress
A black tear marks her cold blue face
As I look on her in sadness
Death has taken its one embrace
I feel the dark power of the Red Dress
The broken mirror begs me not to go
Black night and a Scarlett Seductress
The Red Dress leads and I follow
In the club I work the Red Dress
I catch my breath, her scent, her glance
I gasp in the grip of my huntress
And we slowly start to dance…
The video below is from a HOTCH POTCH night, it's a wee bit grim to say the least AND MAY CAUSE OFFENCE - fore-warned is fore-armed as they say. There were funnier one's but the cameraman had stopped filming. There's a mix of a few below...one of them was a milestone that's now in my rear view mirror, not hard to guess which one. Still hurts to recite or even read it; regrets bounce around like echoe's...
Late Walk 'Ome...an ode to The Killing of Georgie
Breathe With Me
Breathe With Me…
Just breathe…
I was just a lad, low class trash
When I became a slave to the ash
A couple of drags off the lads on the way home from school
And yeah, oh boy, I was cool…
15 pee got me five untipped and matches in a book
To deliver that 'HARD – YET SOPHISTICATED' look
At the back of the house rooms
School ties, satchels and blue-grey fumes
Bensons, Embassy, John Player Kings
The coolest of kids blowin' square smoke rings
Johnny 'The Lip'
Was the kid that was hip
No brown on his fingers
On his lip the fag lingers
Watch mesmerised as the fag never drops
Smoke in his eye makes him look like Cyclops
In the dark at the flix
Movie Stars working that Nicotine fix
The 70's for me were the cinema's heyday
'Cos the back of the seats had an ashtray
My left hand on her tit, in my right – filter tip
I hope she's in awe of my smokey enamour
I'm tryin' to emulate that Movie Star glamour
Bogart's Marlowe and his smokey introduction
Bette Davies eyes and that grey wisp seduction
Steve McQueen's steel blue eyes
Lee Marvin and a host of bad guys
Femme Fatales and breathy sigh's
The little white stick had the co-star career
Kinda sad that only the white stick is still here
I'm quitting! No Nips, no Butts no maybe's
Need healthy sperm to have healthy babies
I can do it, it'll be a relief
To say farewell to Raleigh's Leaf
Resist! Will Power! Say 'No! I don't need a fag!'
Except after meals, a drink, oh – and a shag
The eighties arrive and 'Greed Is Good'
Stress levels rise, more Nicotine in my blood
The mortgage, the wife, the two point five kids
Increase the lines around my eyelids
Forty a day
Keeps my taste buds at bay
My salary's good, I'm alright Jack
The tickle in my throat turns into a hack
Runnin' with my kids, Christ, me lungs are on fire
Must be long hours that are makin' me tire
In bed late at night, she senses my sorrow
'Don't worry love, you'll get it up tomorrow!'
The years fall away like so many spent matches
The nineties a decade of Moby's and Nicotine Patches
I'm a 'Millennium New Man' – hey, I'm gonna quit
But the cure's not a patch on a Nicotine hit
Tobacco Corporations, exec's in dark suits
White coated technicians in devious pursuits
Working hard to feed this serious affliction
To create The Perfect Fag – instant addiction
The shadow fell on me, but I'd had plenty of warning
Walking around and coughing all morning
I went to the doctor's to ask for the answer
He said 'Sorry son, I think you've got cancer'
I see it all now, but I guess it's too late
I'd like to have known my grandkids, but me lungs just can't wait
It's not God, it's the leaf that I have to thank
For introducing me to my new friend – the oxygen tank
It's darker now, not much left to be said
Can't seem to get the air to even lift my head
Drugs pumping around, supposed to stabilise
Produce family faces I don't recognise
I sit up as my final inspiration flashes
'Don't bury me, turn me into ashes!'
Aaaah, I never meant to cause you trouble
My remaining lung has just burst like a bubble
I've paid my dues for tryin' to look flash
Livin'my life, a slave to the ash
Breathe with me…
Breathe with me…
Breathe…
--------------------------------------------------------
Ready Steady Freddie An ode to late night Keyboard Casanova's 'n chat rooms
Ready Steady Freddie
I’m ready steady Freddie with me Kleenex at the ready cos I’m going to a party where the devil’s on the decs
Fingers hover over letters, there’s no need for the fretters cos she’s never even met us cos it’s internet sex
Bridget is her name, I’ve got a beast she wants to tame, it’s a dirty little game that’s so wrong it must be right
I use credit card digits, while me right hand fidgets, well I’ve got a thing for midgets in the middle of the night
Give it to me baby Comma Comma
Do I make you hot? dot dot dot
Give it to me baby Comma Comma
I like that a lot dash dash dash
Oh you naughty boy Comma Comma
You dirty little slut Forward Slash Hash! :D
Fill my buffer baby Comma Comma
I’ve gotta broad band Forward Slash Hash! :D
Right between my brackets Comma Comma
NOT SO FAAAST BABY!!! Fuuuuulll Stopppp!!!
Sorry baby, need to reload....:(
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------xxxxx <3
Stand Up Guy...now this is NAUGHTY - OVER 18's ONLY you have been warned ;)
Woke up at nine with a monkey on me back
Impatient to begin his relentless attack
I’m lucky tonite cos it seems I’ve got the dosh
To find me Pied Piper with his chemical cosh
I pass Chip Shop Princesses and Kebab Shop Queens
Gathered round Princes in stolen Machines
Dishin’ out thrills for a tenner a time
If you’ve got the money they’ll do the crime
The Kebab shop’s servin’ up Greek Tragedy’s
As I stumble past with me wobbly knee’s
I shuffle me way past the back of the taxi rank
As Barley Wine Brenda gives Ali his weekly wank
Looking for me miracle worker, my mystical healer
Felix with his bag of tricks, always use the same dealer
’Ring a ring a roses a pocket full of pills
Felix is the man that will sort out all your ills’
Felix is my man, you know he’s never let me down
He’s always found a way to help me lose my frown
’As a special customer’ he says ’here, have something extra’.
And with my two grams of white he gives me 6 Viagra
I look at him funny and say ’What yer trying to say?’
He sez, ’Whoa chill out man, they just help you play’
He sez ’Don’t be scared mate, just give ’em a try
They’re guaranteed to make you a real Stand Up Guy’
So I’m off down the Kings for a pint or two
And with me first pint, drop two tablets of blue
By me fourth I feel a stirring and my heads now full of sin
As my one eyed trouser snake is now staring at my chin
I caught her eye across the room, or filled her vacant stare
The twitching in me trousers said I must go over there
I saunter over, casual like, ’You’ve pulled love, get yer coat.’
She looks me up and down and sez ’Fuck off yer little scroat’
When she saw me little white bag of trix she suddenly got keener
Eyes lit up like a slot machine, nose like a vacuum cleaner
So now she’s feelin’ horny and she sez ’If yer want, yer can.’
So I get all George Michael ’Baby, I’m your man’
So now we’re in the back street, away from the hustle and bustle
Time to feed the beast, exercise my pumped up love muscle
As she frantically pulls at me keks she sez her name is June
She sez ’God it’s like a rocket!’ and I’m over the moon
Now I’ve always had this problem, not sure if there’s a cure
But I have a tendency to be…a little pre-mature
I get over excited see, and me Iron Man just melts
So I close me eyes and I’m thinkin’ ’Vanessa Feltz! Vanessa Feltz! Vanessa Feltz!’
But like a bottle of milk left in the sun I go off too soon
I open up me eyes and see I’ve come all over June
There’s gallons of the stuff! I just don’t know what to tell her
She said if she’d have known, she’d have brought her fuckin’ umbrella
She sez ’Christ almighty mate, yer went off like a bomb!’
I said ’Don’t worry love, there’s more where that came from’
She says ’Forget it Zorro, you can put away your sword
I look like a shuttlecock, me dress is stiff as a board’
So alone back in the bar I’m feeling quite depressed
I buy another pint and decide to take the all the rest
Before I reach the bottom of the glass me jeans are getting tight
It’s only then I realise, that I’m gonna be up all night
I’m wondering what to do when me mobile starts to ring
It’s Felix on the line, sounds like he’s panicking
He sez them pills I gave you might not be so attractive
They’re nicked from a research lab, they’re fuckin’ radioactive!
By now me heads too pickled to take in this information
As my body starts to go through a startling transformation
I’m trying to control the beast but it’s getting out of hand
And tonight is definitely not going quite as I had planned
As I look up the barmaid gives me a wild eyed stare
As Cyclops, my one eyed monster rises in the air
It’s amazing how a six foot dick can kill the chitter chat
But things get worse as Cyclops sez ’What the fuck you lookin' at?!’
The doormen are now on the scene, but quickly turn and fly
As Cyclops in his flesh coloured polo neck, gives the evil eye
Screams and sirens fill the air, as Cyclops is still growing
We’re heading down the street but I can’t see where I’m going
Don’t know how long I was out, must have been about an hour
But when I come round, we’re on top of the Beetham Tower
Cyclops is goin’ crazy and I ain’t got no slacks on
It’s like the climatic scene in that movie by Peter Jackson
He’s forty five foot tall now, the army’s had their arses tanned
They’re sending in the air force, for the Sperminator’s last stand
He’s screaming at the skies, gonna go out in style
As the B52 flies in, to release the booze missile
The missile’s bang on target, it hits his one good eye
He coughs and splutters, staggers and slowly starts to die
The B52 celebrates with a victory loop de loop
As the media bears witness to the worlds biggest brewers droop
I woke up in the hospital and found to my surprise
The beast between my legs had returned to normal size
The Night Nurse winks at me as she sooths my injured sack
And beneath the sheets The Sperminator whispers…’I’ll be back’
--------------------------- x
The Gemini Man...An Ode to her that hurt...
In the mirror just how does he rate?
He'd probably ask himself out for a date
Talk to and about him self all night
Then ask him self outside for a fight
Baby, it's the Gemini Man
Too up to be down
In love with his frown
Best thing since sliced bread
But wishes he was dead
Baby, it's the Gemini Man
Awkwardly full of shy vanity
A Lone Wolf desperate for company
If we had nine lives then he's up to ten
Makin' the same mistakes all over again
Baby, it's the Gemini Man
The bitterest of sweet fruits
He's not fit to fill his own boots
He's the one you really should avoid
'Cos he needs to spend more time with Freud
Baby, it's the Gemini Man
He's ahead of his time but stuck in the past
In the Human Race he finishes last
Hard to tell if it's cruel or kind
Being stuck in his dual state of mind
Baby, it's the Gemini Man
Full of millionaire creativity
But stuck in pound shop reality
He's The Great Hyped Dope
Drowning in a river of hope
Baby, it's the Gemini Man
But who'll maim with a word and kill with a smile
Chip away the mountain, crawl the extra mile
Get mean and moody, in a Bolton state of mind
Screamin' at the moon 'cos it's you he's got to find
Baby, it's the Gemini Man
Who loves ya baby? Who loves yer cheeky grin?
Who needs yer body 'cos it's built for sin?
Who needs your smile, your smell, your touch?
Who will never give up 'cos he loves yer too much?
Baby, its me, the Gemini Man
----------------------------------------------
This speaks for itself, and I had to recite it, means a lot to me and a thanks to all those I have worked with...x
Just breathe…
I was just a lad, low class trash
When I became a slave to the ash
A couple of drags off the lads on the way home from school
And yeah, oh boy, I was cool…
15 pee got me five untipped and matches in a book
To deliver that 'HARD – YET SOPHISTICATED' look
At the back of the house rooms
School ties, satchels and blue-grey fumes
Bensons, Embassy, John Player Kings
The coolest of kids blowin' square smoke rings
Johnny 'The Lip'
Was the kid that was hip
No brown on his fingers
On his lip the fag lingers
Watch mesmerised as the fag never drops
Smoke in his eye makes him look like Cyclops
In the dark at the flix
Movie Stars working that Nicotine fix
The 70's for me were the cinema's heyday
'Cos the back of the seats had an ashtray
My left hand on her tit, in my right – filter tip
I hope she's in awe of my smokey enamour
I'm tryin' to emulate that Movie Star glamour
Bogart's Marlowe and his smokey introduction
Bette Davies eyes and that grey wisp seduction
Steve McQueen's steel blue eyes
Lee Marvin and a host of bad guys
Femme Fatales and breathy sigh's
The little white stick had the co-star career
Kinda sad that only the white stick is still here
I'm quitting! No Nips, no Butts no maybe's
Need healthy sperm to have healthy babies
I can do it, it'll be a relief
To say farewell to Raleigh's Leaf
Resist! Will Power! Say 'No! I don't need a fag!'
Except after meals, a drink, oh – and a shag
The eighties arrive and 'Greed Is Good'
Stress levels rise, more Nicotine in my blood
The mortgage, the wife, the two point five kids
Increase the lines around my eyelids
Forty a day
Keeps my taste buds at bay
My salary's good, I'm alright Jack
The tickle in my throat turns into a hack
Runnin' with my kids, Christ, me lungs are on fire
Must be long hours that are makin' me tire
In bed late at night, she senses my sorrow
'Don't worry love, you'll get it up tomorrow!'
The years fall away like so many spent matches
The nineties a decade of Moby's and Nicotine Patches
I'm a 'Millennium New Man' – hey, I'm gonna quit
But the cure's not a patch on a Nicotine hit
Tobacco Corporations, exec's in dark suits
White coated technicians in devious pursuits
Working hard to feed this serious affliction
To create The Perfect Fag – instant addiction
The shadow fell on me, but I'd had plenty of warning
Walking around and coughing all morning
I went to the doctor's to ask for the answer
He said 'Sorry son, I think you've got cancer'
I see it all now, but I guess it's too late
I'd like to have known my grandkids, but me lungs just can't wait
It's not God, it's the leaf that I have to thank
For introducing me to my new friend – the oxygen tank
It's darker now, not much left to be said
Can't seem to get the air to even lift my head
Drugs pumping around, supposed to stabilise
Produce family faces I don't recognise
I sit up as my final inspiration flashes
'Don't bury me, turn me into ashes!'
Aaaah, I never meant to cause you trouble
My remaining lung has just burst like a bubble
I've paid my dues for tryin' to look flash
Livin'my life, a slave to the ash
Breathe with me…
Breathe with me…
Breathe…
--------------------------------------------------------
Ready Steady Freddie An ode to late night Keyboard Casanova's 'n chat rooms
Ready Steady Freddie
I’m ready steady Freddie with me Kleenex at the ready cos I’m going to a party where the devil’s on the decs
Fingers hover over letters, there’s no need for the fretters cos she’s never even met us cos it’s internet sex
Bridget is her name, I’ve got a beast she wants to tame, it’s a dirty little game that’s so wrong it must be right
I use credit card digits, while me right hand fidgets, well I’ve got a thing for midgets in the middle of the night
Give it to me baby Comma Comma
Do I make you hot? dot dot dot
Give it to me baby Comma Comma
I like that a lot dash dash dash
Oh you naughty boy Comma Comma
You dirty little slut Forward Slash Hash! :D
Fill my buffer baby Comma Comma
I’ve gotta broad band Forward Slash Hash! :D
Right between my brackets Comma Comma
NOT SO FAAAST BABY!!! Fuuuuulll Stopppp!!!
Sorry baby, need to reload....:(
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------xxxxx <3
Stand Up Guy...now this is NAUGHTY - OVER 18's ONLY you have been warned ;)
Woke up at nine with a monkey on me back
Impatient to begin his relentless attack
I’m lucky tonite cos it seems I’ve got the dosh
To find me Pied Piper with his chemical cosh
I pass Chip Shop Princesses and Kebab Shop Queens
Gathered round Princes in stolen Machines
Dishin’ out thrills for a tenner a time
If you’ve got the money they’ll do the crime
The Kebab shop’s servin’ up Greek Tragedy’s
As I stumble past with me wobbly knee’s
I shuffle me way past the back of the taxi rank
As Barley Wine Brenda gives Ali his weekly wank
Looking for me miracle worker, my mystical healer
Felix with his bag of tricks, always use the same dealer
’Ring a ring a roses a pocket full of pills
Felix is the man that will sort out all your ills’
Felix is my man, you know he’s never let me down
He’s always found a way to help me lose my frown
’As a special customer’ he says ’here, have something extra’.
And with my two grams of white he gives me 6 Viagra
I look at him funny and say ’What yer trying to say?’
He sez, ’Whoa chill out man, they just help you play’
He sez ’Don’t be scared mate, just give ’em a try
They’re guaranteed to make you a real Stand Up Guy’
So I’m off down the Kings for a pint or two
And with me first pint, drop two tablets of blue
By me fourth I feel a stirring and my heads now full of sin
As my one eyed trouser snake is now staring at my chin
I caught her eye across the room, or filled her vacant stare
The twitching in me trousers said I must go over there
I saunter over, casual like, ’You’ve pulled love, get yer coat.’
She looks me up and down and sez ’Fuck off yer little scroat’
When she saw me little white bag of trix she suddenly got keener
Eyes lit up like a slot machine, nose like a vacuum cleaner
So now she’s feelin’ horny and she sez ’If yer want, yer can.’
So I get all George Michael ’Baby, I’m your man’
So now we’re in the back street, away from the hustle and bustle
Time to feed the beast, exercise my pumped up love muscle
As she frantically pulls at me keks she sez her name is June
She sez ’God it’s like a rocket!’ and I’m over the moon
Now I’ve always had this problem, not sure if there’s a cure
But I have a tendency to be…a little pre-mature
I get over excited see, and me Iron Man just melts
So I close me eyes and I’m thinkin’ ’Vanessa Feltz! Vanessa Feltz! Vanessa Feltz!’
But like a bottle of milk left in the sun I go off too soon
I open up me eyes and see I’ve come all over June
There’s gallons of the stuff! I just don’t know what to tell her
She said if she’d have known, she’d have brought her fuckin’ umbrella
She sez ’Christ almighty mate, yer went off like a bomb!’
I said ’Don’t worry love, there’s more where that came from’
She says ’Forget it Zorro, you can put away your sword
I look like a shuttlecock, me dress is stiff as a board’
So alone back in the bar I’m feeling quite depressed
I buy another pint and decide to take the all the rest
Before I reach the bottom of the glass me jeans are getting tight
It’s only then I realise, that I’m gonna be up all night
I’m wondering what to do when me mobile starts to ring
It’s Felix on the line, sounds like he’s panicking
He sez them pills I gave you might not be so attractive
They’re nicked from a research lab, they’re fuckin’ radioactive!
By now me heads too pickled to take in this information
As my body starts to go through a startling transformation
I’m trying to control the beast but it’s getting out of hand
And tonight is definitely not going quite as I had planned
As I look up the barmaid gives me a wild eyed stare
As Cyclops, my one eyed monster rises in the air
It’s amazing how a six foot dick can kill the chitter chat
But things get worse as Cyclops sez ’What the fuck you lookin' at?!’
The doormen are now on the scene, but quickly turn and fly
As Cyclops in his flesh coloured polo neck, gives the evil eye
Screams and sirens fill the air, as Cyclops is still growing
We’re heading down the street but I can’t see where I’m going
Don’t know how long I was out, must have been about an hour
But when I come round, we’re on top of the Beetham Tower
Cyclops is goin’ crazy and I ain’t got no slacks on
It’s like the climatic scene in that movie by Peter Jackson
He’s forty five foot tall now, the army’s had their arses tanned
They’re sending in the air force, for the Sperminator’s last stand
He’s screaming at the skies, gonna go out in style
As the B52 flies in, to release the booze missile
The missile’s bang on target, it hits his one good eye
He coughs and splutters, staggers and slowly starts to die
The B52 celebrates with a victory loop de loop
As the media bears witness to the worlds biggest brewers droop
I woke up in the hospital and found to my surprise
The beast between my legs had returned to normal size
The Night Nurse winks at me as she sooths my injured sack
And beneath the sheets The Sperminator whispers…’I’ll be back’
--------------------------- x
The Gemini Man...An Ode to her that hurt...
In the mirror just how does he rate?
He'd probably ask himself out for a date
Talk to and about him self all night
Then ask him self outside for a fight
Baby, it's the Gemini Man
Too up to be down
In love with his frown
Best thing since sliced bread
But wishes he was dead
Baby, it's the Gemini Man
Awkwardly full of shy vanity
A Lone Wolf desperate for company
If we had nine lives then he's up to ten
Makin' the same mistakes all over again
Baby, it's the Gemini Man
The bitterest of sweet fruits
He's not fit to fill his own boots
He's the one you really should avoid
'Cos he needs to spend more time with Freud
Baby, it's the Gemini Man
He's ahead of his time but stuck in the past
In the Human Race he finishes last
Hard to tell if it's cruel or kind
Being stuck in his dual state of mind
Baby, it's the Gemini Man
Full of millionaire creativity
But stuck in pound shop reality
He's The Great Hyped Dope
Drowning in a river of hope
Baby, it's the Gemini Man
But who'll maim with a word and kill with a smile
Chip away the mountain, crawl the extra mile
Get mean and moody, in a Bolton state of mind
Screamin' at the moon 'cos it's you he's got to find
Baby, it's the Gemini Man
Who loves ya baby? Who loves yer cheeky grin?
Who needs yer body 'cos it's built for sin?
Who needs your smile, your smell, your touch?
Who will never give up 'cos he loves yer too much?
Baby, its me, the Gemini Man
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This speaks for itself, and I had to recite it, means a lot to me and a thanks to all those I have worked with...x
